I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you will always have a special place in my vag
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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