the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
