maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
