oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
