I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
