I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
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You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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