I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
