i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
