dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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