I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
