I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
