I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
