I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
