"it" just moved
Pappa wants mamma naked
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
