You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
