i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
