We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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