nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
