I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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