I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
