Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
40s are totally the cure
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
