Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
