he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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