my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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