Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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