Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
