Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
