She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
