I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
