I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
