My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
