I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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