at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
