woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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