fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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