Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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