He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
