I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
