The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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