someone threw a dead crab at me
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
