I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
