I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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