Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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