my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
