I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
