So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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