hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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