i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
