I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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