1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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