So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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