god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
