I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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