she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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