so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
