I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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