I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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